Aathavin fail

Aathavin fail

Madam ji gari taiyar hai… ,driver ne kaha.

Han…han… main bhi taiyar hoo…. Chalo ,kahati hui main gari ke paas aa gai aur pichhe ka get kholkar andar baith gai.

Aaj mai banaras ja rahi hoon ek saahityik sangoshthi me sammilit hone. Aaj mai ek jani pahachni writer ban gai hoon. Sab log mujhe pahachante hain, meri bhi ek pahachan hai. Hamesha se laga tha ki main kabhi jivan men safal ho paungi ya nahin. Ek chhote se gaon ki ek ambitious laraki ke liye yeh aasan nahin tha.

Shahar ki university men parhane ka sapana graduation se dekhane lagi thi lekin graduation gaon ke paas ek college se karana para. MA ke liye form dalane ka mauka mila. Rank achchha tha counseling men gai bhi thi lekin duryog se admition nahin ho paya aur main papa ka paas chali gai B.Ed karane ke liye. B.ed ek saal ke bajaay do saal le liya.

Agle sal fir form dali es bar raink aur bhi achchha aaya es bar bhi admition nhi ho paya. Agale saal fir…., main bhi kitana jiddi kitana besharm kitani behaya thi. Es baar sirf do din baaki the tab darate darate papa se poochha ki form daal doo ? to bole – han…. Pahale apani amma se pooch lo. Es baar mainne functional hindi se MA karne ka socha. Functional hindi yaani prayojanmoolak hindi jisake bare mujhe BA men apne hindi teacher se jaankari mili thi. Parichay ke roop men BA men ek hindi men paper bhi huaa tha. Esamen journalism and mass communication ki bhi parhai hoti hai. Ese kaamkaaji hindi bhi kahate hain.

Papa ka man to es baar bhi nahin tha , es liye entrance ke samay kaafi drama huaa. Entrance dene main jiju ke saath gai.

Abki baar nahin laga ke mera entrance nikalega lekin general me14 aur obc men 5 rank aaya. Admission  ke samay fir drama huaa, paise nahin hai mere paas admission ke liye apani mamma se bolo vo karava de. Vo kahan se karava dengi naukari karati hain kya? Jab bhi phone karate unase anunay vinay karati ki please admission karva den lekin vo es baar bhi tas se mas nahin ho rahe the.

Counseling ke chaar din pahale subah subah phone aaya ki papa ka accident ho gaya hi is no more. Sab log lage rone chillane. Sab logon ne socha ki aisa meri vajah se huaa. Maine bhi socha tha fir pata chala are nahin kauaa ne sar men maar diya hai. Hamare yahan kauaa ka sar par baithana ashubh maana jata hai es ashubhata ko mitane ke liye apne najdiki logon ko marane ki khabar di jaati hai. Agar yeh sach hota to??? To main jinda kaise rahati, kitana bada laanchhan lag jaata meri jaat par vah bhi meri ek shahar men parhane ki khvaahish ki vajah se.

Tab mainne soch liya ki ab nahin kahoongi ki mera admission karava den. Lekin ek din pahale papa hi bole ki chacha ji se das hajaar rupaye lekar admission karava do. Jab main ummid chhor chuki thi man ko bhi samajha liya tha tab mera admission es university men huaa.

Vahan rahane ki chinta nahin karani thi kyonki ek relative vahan rahate the aur usi university men job karate the. Kuchh din main vahan rahi. Papa mujhe phone nahin karate the baad men pata chala vo mujhse naraj the aur es sab ka doshhi mamma ko manate the. Meri bahan phone karati to ek hi baat kahati ki tum ghar chli aao mat parho papa naraj hain vo madad nahin karenge to mamma kya kar lengi. Lekin mai jiddi apani jid par adi rahi. Mainne soch liya tha ki ab yahan se laut ke nahin jaungi chahe bhale hi maut ko gale lagaana pare.

Bekhabar jiye jaa rahi thi ki jinake yahan rah rahi hoo vo bhi nahin chaahate ke main unake ghar rahoon, kai baar unaki baton se laga tha lekin nasamajh main samajh nahin paai….. aur mere paas dusara option bhi nahin tha. Ek din bahan ne bataaya ki tum ghar chali aao tumhare bare me bhaiya ke vichaar achchhe nahin hain, tumhen charitrahin samajhte hain jo parivaar ke marji ke khilaaf jakar shahar men rah rahi hai aur parhai kar rahi hai. Usase kah do ki mere room se nikal jay nahin to main nikal dunga.

Kitana roi thi main ki yeh mere bare men aisa sochate hain kitani baar inhone  room dilaane ya hostel  ki baat ki thi lekin shaayad kah nahin paye the ki tum chali jaao.

Counseling ke samay se hi ek laraki Dipti mili thi usaka number bhi liya tha ek baar usake ghar rat bhi ruki thi, usi ko phone kiya aur bataai ki tumhaare room ke bagal men jo room khaali hai mai kal usamen aa rahi hoo. Dusare din vahan pahunchi to mere paas sirf panch hajaar rupaye the jisamen se barah sau room ka rent diya baaki bartan gais chaaval aata aur masaale vagairah kharidi. Dipti bahut achchhi laraki thi usane es sab men bahut madad ki aur hamesha saath rahi.

Maine socha ki university ka hostel mil jata to achchha rahata. Maine kai teachero se baat bhi ki. Ek din kuchh larakiyan ek sir se hostel ke bare men baat karane ke liye ruki thin to main bhi ruk gai baton hi baato men bataaya ke meri parivaar ki aarthik sthiti thik nahin hai es liye mere papa mera admission nahin karavana chahate the. Esliye mujhe to jyada jarurat hai hostel ki. ab main kya batati ki mere papa ke paas paison ki kami nahin balki chaahat ki kami hai ki meri beti high education le aur aage barhe. unake anusar larakiyan sirf shadi karane aur bachche paida karane ke liye hoti hain....

Mainne unhen apana dost samajh liya tha unhen, jab bhi dekhti thi muskura kar bolati thi lekin lagata tha vo ab mujhase baat nahin karana chahati thin, ek din mainne suna ki mera namakaran ho gaya hai bold girl. Sunkar bahut dukh huaa. Tab pata chala ki apani kamiyon ko kisi ke bhi samane jaahir nahin karani chahiye koi nahin samajhata balki apane anusaar usaka matalab nikalate hain.

Mainne kuchh prerak jivaniyan parhi thi jisamen un logon ne khud job karke apana kharch nikaala tha so maine bhi socha part time job karake mai bhi apana kharch nikaalungi. Ek din apne aas paas ki jagahon par ghumi, kahan jau kisse kahun ke mujhe naukri dedo. Bhikh mangati to kuchh log taras khakar ek do rupaye de dete lekin naukari taras khakar nahin di jati balki yogyata aur jarurat dekhkar milati hai. Ek dukan par gai to bola silaai karne aati hai to mainne kaha haan to bola thik hai kal se aa jana. Mainne silaai ka course nahin kiya hai fir bhi sil leti hoon. Jab mai naukari ke liye ghoom rahi thi tab kitana rona aa raha tha khud ki takdir par, aur jab silaai ka kaam mil gaya hai to rulaai tham hi nahin rahi thi. Kisi tarah aansuon ko rokate ponchhate room par pahunchi ki koi dekh na le.

Agale din university se aane ke baad gai to pata chala ki tin char ladies aur do gents pahale se hi vahan silaai ka kaam karate hain. Mere yahan chhoti machine thi aur vahan bari vaali machine thi pahale to use chalaane men hi dikkat hui. Fir sab ek se barh ke ek aur main navsikhua. Main pooch pooch kar kaam karati thi to baaki sab auraton ko chirh hoti thi. Ek uncle ji the jo mere bagal vaale machine par the vo meri jyada madad karate the to ek aurat boli han nai naveli dulhan ki sab khaatirdari karate hain purani ko sab bhool jaate hain. Mujhe bara ajib laga, mainne kaha- esamen nai dulhan purani dulhan ki kya baat hai mujhe nahin aa raha hai tab bas jara si madad hi to kar rahen hain. Fir bhi main raas nahin aai. Meri aankhen thori bari bari hain esliye main jise shant najaron se dekhti hoo use galat fahami ho jati hai ki main use ghoor kar dekh rahi hoo, esliye Mujhe parhane vaali ghamandi bhi boli log.

Interlock kabhi nahin kiya tha machine kaise chalaate hain ye bhi nahin pata tha bataane ko boli to vahan ka master jo kaparon ko katata tha gussa ho gaya- tumhen jagah jagah samajhana parega nahin aata to kyon chali aai. Fir mujhase jaise bana mainne kiya. Mujhe majdoori mili 43 rupaye, 45 rupaye majdoori hoti tai navsikhuaa thi sahi se bana nahin tha esliye do rupaye kaat liya vah bhi raste men pata nahin kahan gir gaya yeh tin din ka experience bhi achchha nahin raha.

Fir ek din sankat mochan aur durgakund gai do tin jagah baat ki par baat kahin nahin bani. Koi bhi part time ka tin hajar dene ko taiyar nahin tha aur mujhe kam se kam tin hajar prati mahinen ki jarurat thi.

Bus men kaisi kaisi larakiyan milati thin amir se amir aur garib se garib lekin kisi ki sthiti mere jaisi thi kya, kya kisi ke papa mere papa jaise honge kya aaj tak unhonne ek din bhi call nahin kiya ke main kaise manage kar rahi hoo kahan hoo kaisi hoo kya kar rahi hoo……aur na hi mere baaki parivaar vaalon ne poochha ke paanch hajaar rupaye khatam ho gaye to bhej doo. Nahi bas har koi kahata ki jab vo nahin karenge to main kya karoo ghar par bhi to paise nahin hai ab kuchh nahin ho sakata bas ghar chali aao.

Ye din mere bahut bure bit rahe the ghar jab bhi phone karati to bas ek hi baat- chali aao papa naraj hain… kal chali aao… aur papa mujhe phone hi nahi harate the. Ab to mere paas ghar jaane bhar ke bhi paise nahin rahe. Tb kisi se udhar lekar chali aao lekin ghar aa jao. Un dinon mujhe pata nahin hota tha ki mera kal kaisa bitega, aur mai kab tak mai yahan apani jid par rah paaungi.

Mere paas ab sirf tin rupaye bache the kuchh samajh men nahin aa raha tha ki kya karun. Na to jiya jaa raha tha na marate ban raha tha badanami ka dar jo tha log kya kahenge jarur koi baat thi tabhi mar gai logon ka shak akin men badal jaata ki main jarur charitrahin thi.

Mandir na jaane ki sthiti men agar koi mandir chala jay to vo vahin bhasma ho jata hai aisa mainne suna tha. Us din main campus vaale mandir men bhasma hone gai thi main vahan marane gai thi. Manodasha meri bahut kharab thi, main mandir ki sirhiyan to charh gai darshan karane nahin ja pai sidha upar chali gai. Akeli baith kar bas sochati rahi mai to bach gai ab kya hoga. Shiv ji ka krodh bhi mujhe nahin laga ab kya karun? Mainne man hi man bahut shikayt ki unase. Main itane kone men baithi thi ki koi mujhe rota dekh na le. Ghanton baithane ke baad mai fir room par aa gai. Us din rat men papa ka phone aaya tha, mainne bataya ki mere paas sirf tin rupaye hain. Us din vo achchhe se baat kiye mera account number bhi liye fir paise bheje.

Ab tak dipti ka diya huaa vistar ek brench par bichha kar so rahi thi paise aane ke baad jakar ek folding vaala bed laai gadda takiya laai aur baaki jarurat ka saman laai.

Yahan shahar men aane ka mera makasad bas apane sapanon ko vistar dena tha jisake liye gaon ka mahaul bahut chhota tha. Bara shahar bari opportunity deta hai space deta hai maahaul deta hai…. Kam se kam mainne to aisa hi socha tha.

Main writer banana chahati thi vaise to mainne yahan aane se purv saat kahaaniyan likh li thi. Mujhe likhane ka shauk BA first year se hi lag gaya tha lekin publish nahi karava paai thi vaise publish karavane ka prayas kiya tha lekin parivaar vaalon ko pata nahi kaya problem thi ye kah kar chup karava diye ki bari aai hain writer banane tum jaise bahut aaye aur chale gaye aur akele mere vas ka tha bhi nahin.

Jab meri pahali kahaani published hui to kitani khushi hui thi mujhe. Main dukaan par hi khushi se uchhalane lagi thi apana name patrika men dekh kar. Class ke logon ko yakin nahin huaa tha ki vo main thi. Teacher se lekar student tak jisane bhi parhi sab meri tarif kar rahe the. Usake baad meri baaki kahaaniyan bhi published huin.

Mera lakshya bas etana hi nahin tha, main aage jana chahati thi. Main films ya serials men kaam karana chahati thi as a writer. Main laraki thi vah bhi gaon ki, esliye saath khojati thi ki koi to ho jo meri madad kare. Mainne kai logon se baat bhi ki. Kai jagah audition men apani kahaani bhi dikhaai lekin yeh kah kar reject ho gai ki – tumhari kahaaniyan to thik hain lekin tumhen films ya serial ke liye sikhana parega. Patra patrikaon ke liye to koi bhi likh sakata hai, main likh sakata hoo yeh likh sakata hai vo likh sakata hai lekin films ke liye alag tarika hota hai jo tumhen sikhana parega. Aur ab sikhayega kaun yeh mushkil savaal samane aaya.

Main jahan rahati thi vo ek Bhojpuri actor ke bhai ka ghar tha jinhe ham bhaiya kahate the aur unaki patni ko bhabhi. Apane sapane ke bare men maine bhabhi se bhi baat ki, vo story parhi lekin koi faayada nahin huaa. Us actor se bhi milane ka bhi mauka mila selfi  aur autograph le li lekin kahate kahate rah gai ki main writer hoo apani story film ke liye dena chahati hoo, lekin kah nahin paai. Ho sakata tha nakaaraatmak bhaav milata aur sakaaraatmak bhaav bhi de sakata tha, lekin ab to bas pachhatava hi rah gaya tha.

Aakashvani jaane ka mauka mila vahan bhi ek sir the jo Bhojpuri filmon men acting bhi karate the, maine unase bhi baat ki lekin vo bole- tum laraki ho abhi tumhari age nahin hui hai ki tum kahaani likho, lekin bhagavaan ne agar tumhen yeh talent diya hai to bhi tumhen abhi aur mehanat karani chahiye. Abhi tum sirf paper magazine tak hi socho kyonki abhi tumhara koi bhi exploit kar sakata hai. Tum meri cast ki ho isi liye tumhen samajha raha hoo.

Maine to madad mangi thi, maine socha tha senior hain, guardian ki tarah se un logon se milava sakate hain apane security se apane parichay se, lekin baat yahan bhi nahin bani. Main soch rahi thi jab tak yahan hoo tab tak mujhe kuchh na kuchh to karana hi tha nahin to gaon chali gai tab possible nahin ho payega.

Ek laraka jise main roj dekhati thi, usi ki shop se ham log mobile recharge karavate the, roommate kafi tarif karati thi- kitana sundar hai yaar…., lekin mainne kabhi dhyaan nahin diya tha. Ekk din main paise nikaalane ke liye ATM par gai jo usi ke dukaan ke bagal men hi tha jahan se usaki dukan dikhai deti thi. Main line men lagi apani baari ka  intajar kar rahi thi ki achanak meri dharakane tej ho gai, aisa laga koi mujhe yahan pahachan raha hai jisaki najaron ka ahsas mujhe ho raha hai. Main idhar udhar dekhane lagi koi najar nahin aa raha tha. Fir maine dekha vo mujhe chhup chhup kar dekh raha hai. Jab meri najar us par gai to vo najaren fer liya. Mujhe pata chal gaya ki ye vahi hai. Mujhe ajib tarah se dekhata aur jab main dekhati to chhup jaata ya najaren fer leta. Mujhe hansi aai- gajab ye mujhe aise kyon dekh raha hai. Ashchary huaa ki vo mujhe aise kyon dekh raha tha aur usaka es tarah dekhana achchha bhi lag raha tha.

Vo ab jana pahachana sa lagane laga. Jab main us katare men jati to jaise nerves ho jati thi. Vo aas pas hota to meri dharakanen tej ho jaati thi. Meri samajh men nahin aata tha ki ye mujhe kya ho raha hai.

Pata nahin kaisa rishta ban gaya tha usase, main use  dekh bhi nahin pati thi  fir bhi pata chal jata ki vo yahin kahin aas pas hai. Jab main saman lene ke liye jati to sabase pahle usi ka khyal aata ki vo dikhga ya nahin, jis din dikh jata lagata aana safal ho gaya nahin dikhata to najaren dhoodhati thi use. Aur use dekhate hi najaren apanen aap chhuk jaati thi lekin jis pal dekhati vo dekhata bas ye pal yahin tham jay lekin pal nahin thamata tha meri najaren niche ho jaati thi aur vo mujhe dekhata rahata, fir main saman lekar room par chali aati thi aur us ek pal men kho jati thi.

Abhi tak mujhe usake bare men kuchh bhi pata nahin tha, kahan rahata hai, kya karata hai, kya name hai. Bas usake papa ki dukan thi jisamen vo baithata tha ya edhar udhar katare men dikhai deta. Mainne socha kahin achhi education le raha hoga. Dekhane men vo sach men bahut sundar aur smart tha.

Fir ek din pata chala ki ye katara usi ka hai jisaka nam shivshakti complex hai aur study ke naam par aathavin fail hai, itana manbarhoo tha ki bimaar huaa to aathavin ka paper hi nahin diya, eklauta aur dulaara hone ki vajah se maa baap ne jor bhi nahin diya, aur nam hai aakash cast ka pata nahin.

Tab maine dhyan diya to dekha vo kanon men chhoti chhoti baaliyan pahanata hai aur hathaon men chaura sa bracelet. Poora tapori dikhata tha lekin ek chij jo kam nahin hui vo thi usaki khoobasoorati. Vo mujhe ab bhi utana hi achchha lagata tha jaisa ki pahale lagata tha. Haan usaka namkaran jarur ho gaya – aathavin fail. Aur aathavin fail fames ho gaya. jab mere doston ko aathavin fail ke bare men pata chala to unhen yakin hi nahin aaya ki vo mujhamen interest le raha hoga kyonki main bahan ji type aur vo kitana sundar smart aur handsome tha. Room partner ne to saf saf kah diya tha ki vo tumhen pasand kar hi nahin sakata. Mana ki vo parha likha nahin hai lekin fir bhi vo tumhe pasand nahin kar sakata kyonki larake apane se sundar laraki hi pasand karate hain aur tum to…. Main yeh nahin kah rahi ki vo mujhe pasand karata hai, mujhe life partner banana chahata hai, main to yeh bhi nahin janati ki vo mujhe pasand karata hai ya nahin, kya sochata hai mere bare men. Pata nahin kyon dekhata hai vo mujhe aise, pata nahin kyon jab usake samane jati hoo to nervous ho jati hoo, aavaj jaise taloo se chipak jati hai jaise lagata hai kisi ki najaron ke ghere men hoon. Usaki bhi nervousness pata chalati hai mujhe, aavaj usaki bhi nahin nikalati, mujhe dekh kar jaise vo bhi uncomfert feel karata hai. Mainne to bas apani chhoti si feeling batai thi, mainne kab kaha ki main sundar hoo. Ye batana jaruri tha kya ki main khoobsurat nahin hoo.

 Ek din kahate suna tha maine – vo bahut khoobsurat hai, kitana mitha bolati hai…. Pata nahin kyun mere paas hi aakar ek larake se kah raha tha maine dekha to najaren fer liya. Mere andar bhi larakiyon vali pravritti jag gai, pata nahin kyun laga ki vo mujhe sunakar hi kah raha tha. Ab laraki hoon to larakiyon vali pravritti to jagegi hi….

Alag alag din ka alag experience raha. Ek din vo mujhe dekhate hi palat gaya aur ek din to donon hathon se munh hi chhipa liya. Pata nahin vo aisa kyun kiya, kya use laga ki main us par line maar rahi hoo. Ya vo mujhe dekhana nahin chahta yaa use mujhe dekh kar sharm aati hai….
 Pata hai ek din main sham ko saman lene ja rahi thi to achanak se meri dharakanen tej ho gai mainne dhyan nahin diya mainne socha vaise hi ho raha hoga lekin jab saman lekar laut rahi thi tab pichhe se aathavin fail ko dekhi tab mujhe pata chala ohh aathavin fail ki vajah se aisa huaa tha. Yeh mere samajh se bahar tha ki pata nahin kaisa connection hai ki jab vo muhe dekhta tha to mujhe bhir men bi pata chal jata tha. Pahale dhak dhak hota najaren uthati to samane vo hota. Aur pichhe se jab main dekhi to vo mere taraf nahin mura aur na hi idhar udhar dekha. Sambvatah use pata hi na chala ho aur use dekh kar dharakanen bhi tej nahin hui.

Us din mainne kafi der tak is bare men socha aur tab jana ki kisi bhi sahi galat rishte ki shuruaat sirf larakon ki taraf se hoti hai aur larakiyan usamen bahati chali jati hain. Bhagavan ne larakiyon ko yeh adhikar nahin diya ki vo kisi larake ki dharakanon ko jhanjhana saken.

Main usake bare men hamesha sochati rahati thi. Use dekhana achchha lagata tha. Main use boyfriend  banana ya usase shadi karana nahin chahati thi, main to bas usase dosti karana chahati thi usase yeh kahana chahati thi ki tum kitane sundar ho yahan kya kar rahe ho tumhen to sitaron ki duniya men jana chahiye. Tum jo kam karate ho usake liye nahin bane ho. Bhagavan ne yeh khoobasurati sabako nahin dete hain aur tum doctor ya  engineer to banane se rahe. Tumhari khoobsurati dukan par baithe baithe larakiyon ko tarane men hi barbad ho jayegi. Tum star ban jao to meri sifarish kar dena meri pahchan us industry se r karva dena aur ek dost ki tarah mera sath dena kyunki mujhe apana sapana poora karane ke liye ek sathi ki jarurat hai.

Lekin main usase kuchh nahin kah pai bas sochati rahi ki aise kahungi vaise kahung. Aur intajaar bhi karati rahi ki kabhi to kuchh kahe lekin vah bhi kuchh nahi bola. Main roj sochati ki aaj kahungi lekin kabhi bhi himmat ne sath nahin diya. Shabd juban par hote lekin kabhi hoth nahin khule. Usaka ek dost tha use bhi lagata tha sab kuchh maaloom tha vo bhi mujhe ajib tarah se dekhata tha. Aur dekhate dekhate aakhiri din aa gaya. aakhiri din khaastaur par usase kahane ke liye gait hi lekin vo dikha hi nahin usaka dost dikha tha. Usase kahana chahati thi- bhai aakash ko bula denge please. Vo mujhe dekhata raha bas do kadam ki doori par tha, use bhi laga tha ki main usase kuchh kahana chahati hoon, isi tarah se vo mujhe dekh raha tha lekin us din bhi kuchh kah nahin pai aur hamesha hamesh ke liye gaon chali aai thi.

Tin saal tak main yahan rahi na to koi boyfriend bana pai aur na hi koi girlfriend hi bana pai. Ek sachche dost ka abhav aaj tak mere jivan men bana huaa hai. Koi aisa nahin mila ya mili jisase main khul kar bat kar sakoon jo mujhe sune aur samajhe. Lekin fir bhi jab yahan se ja rahi thi to sabaki bahut yad aa rahi thi.

Gaon aane ke bad maine jaisa socha tha vaisa hi huaa. Patrakar nam to par gaya lekin patrakar ban nahin pai. Isake liye delhi ya noida ya Mumbai jana hoga jo sambav nahn huaa. Papa mere job karate ya mujhe lekar shahar shahar office office daurate. Jo sapana main yahan lekar aai thi sahi salamat lekar vapas aa gai. Ab usake liye koi doosara vikalp nahin tha. Parivar ne salah di ki shadi ho jayegi to tumhara pati  tumhen lekar jayega sath, vaise akeli kahan jaogi. Han yeh akela shabd bahut daravana hota hai kai baar sochi ki chaloo bahut log apane sapane ke chakkar men ghar chhor dete hain. Lekin main nahin chhor pai akeli jo thi laraki jo thi laraka nahin hoo na main laraka hoti to kab ka ghar chhor di hoti. Ajib hai na? yahan par mujhe apane gender par bahut gussa aata. Kash ki main laraka hoti. Aur larakiyan tir marati hongi par, laraki hona us samay se jyada bura kabhi nahin laga. Un dinon mera laraki hona meri sabase bari majboori thi aur main kuchh kar bhi nahin sakati thi.

Laraki hona apane aap men sabase bari saja hai, usake liye charo taraf khatare hain. Jis samaj men vo rahati hai usi samaj se use sabase jyada khatara hai dar hai. Laraka aur laraki men sirf ek matra ka fark hai lekin yahi kitana bara antar paida kar deta hai. Sharirik manasik aur dimagik sb men antar kar deta hai. Samaj men sirf ka aur ki hi hote hain fir bhi  exploitation, violence, rape ka dar hota hai aur dar aisa ki antar aatma men baith jata hai. Is dark o door karane ke liye maine kai positive inspirational books bhi parhi lekin yeh dar meri antar aatma se nahin nikala aur na hi mujhamen itani himmat hi thi ki mai ghar se bahar akele ja sakoon. Aur na hi mera parivar jane deta.

Sal bhar bad mera ek exam usi usi shahar men usi university men para. Main bahut khush hui. Is baar mainne pakka man bana liya tha ki job hi ho usase bat jarur karungi. Bahut karega na kar dega ya us katare men sabase kah dega to kya ab to main vahan jane se rahi.

Exam hone ke bad main bahar aai. Sath men kai log the to sabka intajar bahar hi karana tha. Aur bagal men h usaki dukan bhi thi samay kam tha job hi karana tha jaldi karana tha. Maine khud ko bahut samajhaya himmat di aur jab main dukan par gai to vo tha hi nahin fir mai usake dost ko apana phone number dekar chali aai. Sochi ki vo ek bar phone kare to main usase kahoon ki main tumase kya chahati hoon, lekin vo phone hi nahin kiya mahinon tak intajar kiya mainne lekin usaka phone nahin aaya. Aathavin fail meri aakhiri ummid tha vah bhi fail ho gaya. kya socha hoga vo mere bare men- charitraheen? Ek bar kam se kam phone to kar leta to aaj meri zindagi shayad alag hoti aur usaki bhi shayad…. Kabhi kabhi ham apane bare men vo nahi soch pate jo dusare soch lete hain. Yahi batana tha use, lekin usane to phone hi nahin kiya.

Ab mujhe apani shadi ka intajaar karana tha ki aise suyogya var se ho jaye jo mere sapanon ko apana samajhe aur usake liye mujhe office office lekar daure. Lekin real life men aisa nahin hota hai. Hamare samaj men shadi ek bandhan hai jisamen se nikalana mushkil hota hai. Ab tak ek ghar ki ejjat thi aura b do do garon ki ejjat ban gai. Ab do samaj hain jisamen meri badanami ho sakati thi. Patrakar ki naukari achchhi nahin hoti, patrakaron ko log kutta kahate hain, teacher ki naukari sabase achchhi hai esamen hi prayas karo aur aage barho. Lekin teaching men mera interest nahin tha aur na hi main koi competition hi nikal pai. Aur patidev men etani himmat nahin thi ki vo ghar parivar aur samaj ke khilaf jate mere liye bagavat karate.

Pati ka adhikar sirf patni ke sharir par hota hai usake sapanon par nahin, usake aramanon par nahin, usaki chahaton par nahin. Laraki apane sare sapanon ko shadi ki agni men swaha kar deti hai tab vo patni banati hai. Jahan usaka koi stitva nahin hota. Ab pati ka sapana usaka sapana hota hai. Use vansh chahiye to dena hai, use paise kamana hai to khud ko samet lo khud men, parivaar se lagav hai to khud ko samarpit kar do us par. Sab pati ke adhin ho jati hai- chahaten, sapane, khvaahishen, khuhiyan aur vo khud bhi. Kitani ajib hoti hai ye aurat sab kuchh hansate hansate svikar kar leti hai.

Lekin main svikar nahin kar pai, apane sapanon ko bhool nahin pai esliye main chaloo badachalan aur na jane kya kya ho gai. Jis pati ka entajar kiya tha usane sabase pahale sath chhoora. Aur parivar valon ke liye main badanami ki vajah ban gai. Mummy papa ne to bojh utar diya tha. Ab main un par bojh nahin thi. Sab khush the sivay mere. Main bhi khush rahana chahati thi lekin vaise nahin jaise sab rahati hain. Main apana sara jivan gumanami ke andhere men nahin bitana chahati thi esliye main compromise nahin kar pai. Maa bap ne pati ke bharoshe chhora tha aur pati ne akela chhor diya. Tab mummy papa ko koi dukh nahin huaa ulta main hi doshi bani, ab pati jo chahata hai vo karo agar nahi maan raha to kya huaa jo kah raha hai vahi karo. Aaah kitani takalif hoti thi tab ek dam akeli ho gait hi main, koi sath nahin tha fir bhi mainne haar nahin mani. Mainne soch liya ki ab enake bharose nahin rahana, kuchh to karana hi hai vo nahin to kuchh aur.

Samane koi rasts nahin najar aa raha tha ki kya karoon. Kuchh paise the jisase maine ek butik khola jisamen maine trained larakiyon ko ka ek group banakar kam shuroo kiya. Mere andar creativity bachapan se hi thi mere pas dimak bhagavan ji ne achchha diya tha. Aaj  tak maine kuchh bhi sikha nahhn lekin lagabhag har chij men mahir hoo. Silai karhai beautician sab. Jo ek bar dekh leti catch kar leti thi. Ye sab gun mujhe aage chal kar kafi sahayak huaa. Maine designer aur selected piece banaye aur bazaar se saste damon men beche. Business chal nikala.

Aur likhana kabhi nahin chhori aur dhire dhire fames feminist ban gai. Aaj mere paas kai butik hain aur main ek jaani maani sahityakar hoon. Kai saalon se edhar udhar seminar men jaane ka mauka milata raha hai.lekin tab se es shahar men au res university men aane ka mauka pahali baar mila hai. Kyonki khud ko sabit karane men bees saal lag gaye. Bas ek baat ka malal rah gaya ki jo career main chahati thi vo nahin mila.

Madam ji hotel aa gaya- driver ne gari rok kar kaha.

Aaa…..han…seminar do baje se hai abhi samay hai tab tak thora aaram kar lo- main gari se utar kar boli.

Thik hai….- kah kar driver chala gaya.

Receptoinst se room ke bare men poochha jo pahale se hi booking kiya gaya tha. Usane list chak kar ke bataya aur sath hi roomkey bhi de diya. Main thanks kahakar room par aa gai.

En bis salon men yeh shahar kitana badal gaya hai, vo bhi kitana badal gaya hoga. Mujhe jab pata chala thi ki es baar yahan aana hai to meri khushi ka thikana na raha. Sabase pahala khyaal aathavin fail ka aur mandir jaane ka aaya tha. Lekin en donon kamon ke liye aaj samay nahin hai kyonki seminar ka samay rat 8 baje tak hai aur usake baad dinner bhi hai.

Seminar bahut achchha, bare bare sahityakar aaye huye the jinase bahut kuchh sikhane ko mila. Gyaan ki aisi ganga bahi ki pata hi nahin chala ki kab aath baj gaye. Dinner karane ke baad room par aa gai. Din bhar ki thakan ki vajah sa jaldi hi nid lag gai.

Subah nid saat baje khuli, fir jaldi se taiyaar hokar mandir pahunchi. Yahan to sab kuchh badal gaya hai lekin shaanti aur sukoon vahi hai. Kafi der tak mandir men  baithi rahi fir vahan se nikali. Ab aathavin fail se ko dekhana tha. Kaise rokoon driver se kya kahoon. Fir ballence lene ka bahana banai. Driver bola main lekar aata hoon, lekin mainne kaha – nahin aap ruko main lekar aati hoon.

Gaari se utarane se lekar dukaan tak pahunchane ka safar bahut ajib tha. Main sochati rahi- main yeh kya kar rahi hoon… main ab us umra men nahi hoo ki kisi larake ko dekhane ke liye main … aur agar pahachan liya to… kya sochega. Mujhe aisa nahin karana chahiye… paagal ho gai hoon kya main, ruko… nahin mat jao… thik nahin hai ye … kya kar rahi main…. Lekin mere pair nahin ruke. Aur main dukan par pahunch gai. Hamesha ki tarah dukan khali thi. Fir pichhe se koi aaya, are yeh to aathavin fail hai, bilkul nahin badala bas umra ki lakiren chehare par dikhane lagi hain. Aaj bhi utana hi smart lag raha hai.

Aakar bola- ji boliye….

B … baillens lena hai, main atakate huye boli. Chirh bhi hui yaar kya ho gaya mujhe.

Mobaile barha diya mainne number type karane ke liye. Mainne lekar number type kiya aur use de diya. Vo baillence transfer karane laga. Main soch rahi thi ki pata nahin mujhe pahachan raha hai ya nahin. Poochhun kya ki tumane phone kyon nahin kiya main tumhara entajaar karati rahi… nahi yeh kya soch rahi main, bas dekhana tha so dekh liya aur kuchh nahin kahana, kahungi bhi to kya pata nahin yaad bhi hai ya nahin….

Mainne call kiya tha lekin tumane kaha maine number nahi diya tha es liye mujhe laga ho sakata hai galat number ho ya tumane fek number diya ho mujhe pareshan karane ke liye… vo ballence transfer karate huye sir niche kiye hi bola.

Kya….? Aashcharya se mera munh khula rah gaya, mere sharir men ek lahar daur gai ki ye mujhe bhoola nahin.

Haan maine call kiya tha. Vo mobile rakhate huye bola.

Tum mujhe pahachan gaye…?

 To kyat um mujhe bhool gai. Vo aatmavishvaas se bola.

Nahin…. Mujhe ajib si khushi hui jaise main koi khoi hui priy vastu vaapas mil gai  ya jaise kisi bachche ko khushiyon ki dukan mil gai. Ya jaise barason purani chahat poori ho gai ya jaise….

Jab baat nahin karani thi to number kyon diya tha- usane poocha.

Achchha vo tum the lekin tumane apana nam kyon nahin bataya, tumhen batana chahiye tha ki mai aakash bol raha hoon. Ab mujhe pachhatava hone laga.

Kya kuchh khaas baat thi kya?

Nahin bas yoon hi… chhoro. Maine paise de diya- thik hai chalati hoon ok bye.

Bye ….

Mujhe usase dobara milane ke baad jitani khushi hui thi sab kafur ho gai. Bas ek nahin ne meri zindagi badal di kash ko main han boli hoti to shayad main aaj apani man pasand zindagi ji rahi hoti. Aur agar vo enkar kiya hota to kam se kam aaj ye pachhatava nahin ho raha hota. Kyon mainne kaha nahin kyon…?

Aur mai aakar gari men baith gai aur gaari ghar ki taraf chal di…

Archana yadav